One of my friends has missed 4 weeks of school, reputedly because he didn't want to come in - and people are questioning his motives...

"Errgh, how does he plan on getting a good job" or whatever.

This got me thinking about success, or as I see it, perceived status.

There are loads of ways peoples perceived status can rise, here's what sprang to my mind:

1) Wage - This ones self explanatory, because the amount of money you waste can only make you a better person.

2) Size of your house - speaks for itself, especially when you live alone in a mansion.

3) Neighbourhood you live in - who wants to live with mere mortals? not me.

4) Speed of your car - its a man thing (apparently), not that you can reach 85mph on UK roads anyway dumbasses.

5) Attractiveness of your partner - gay or not, its still a measure.

6) The closest your family is to the ideal, picturesque family - I hope your kids grow up to be Goth losers.

7) Qualifications - A piece of paper with a letter on it, sure means a lot to people, not me however.

They're the top 7 and after that come the comfort ones:

8) Amount of TV channels you have for sky - because having Eastenders one day early makes all the difference to some people.

9) Size of your TV as in 36" or whatever - if your peripheral vision extends past your TV, you're worthless.

10) Height of your DVD collection - I'm told some people only buy DVD's to watch once, which makes no sense to me. I buy films to watch again and again, because I want my moneys worth.

11) Storage capacity of your IPOD - who cares if you've never downloaded a song in your life? You need an IPOD, because society says so!

12) How much you donate to charity - nothing is a greater measure of your compassion for mankind (apparently).

And if you're a "computer geek", like me, this might seem more relevant:

12) Your PC specifications.

13) Speed of your internet connection.

14) Hits on your personal site.

This is only aimed at one fool to be honest, one shallow shallow fool.