Commando

What can I say about Commando? This is the action film to end all films. There is yet to be a better, and I daresay there probably never will be (unless they commission me as a scriptwriter).

I'll start off by saying right off the bat that Commando gets 10/10 as an action film. It also gets 10/10 as a comedy. Right, get ready for your balls to finally drop as you read about the 1 hour, 30 minutes and 13 seconds of awesomeness that is Commando.

The film starts out with some bad dudes killing off some regular looking guys. Not good, I'm sure you'll agree. Action movie buffs will recognise Bill Duke as one of the bad dudes. That black guy is imposing, or so I've read.

After just a few minutes, the leviathan that is John Matrix storms onto the screen, with a tree on his shoulder. Not some pansy ass maple tree either, I'm talking about a giant redwood (well actually, I don't know anything about trees, so I couldn't truly say what I'm talking about). It's a big tree, and Matrix is a big guy. That's all we (the viewer) needs to know. Anyhow, Matrix emerges from the forest with this massive tree on his shoulder, and a large chainsaw in his other hand. Then he starts chopping wood and suddenly he notices someone walking up behind him reflected in his axe. It's a young girl, who turns out to be his daughter.

5 minutes later and the film has established that he came from Austria, thinks the communists were 'probably right' about rock and roll being subversive, thinks Boy George should be renamed Girl George to cut down on the confusion, and it's clear that Matrix loves his daughter (Jenny). I wouldn't be surprised if someone this manly could shit sticks of dynamite, but thankfully the film didn't explore this possibility.

Then in flies an army helicopter, carrying General Kirby, who we find out trained Matrix to be 'silent and smooth'. He explains the situation with John Matrix as fast as you like. Some psycho's are killing the old members of Matrix's now disbanded special forces team. Some real bad dudes, but Kirby intends to take care of it, and drops off a couple of good men to look after Matrix. These men are good. Real good, but not as good as Matrix was. Moments after the chopper flies away everything has gone to hell. One of Kirby's men is dead, and the other wounded. Matrix and Jenny have jumped into their cabin, and the wounded soldier joins them. Matrix tells the soldier to be mindful that the shooters are downwind, so he's got to be careful. The soldier is confused that Matrix would even suggest smell, but Matrix is hardcore. That's what the viewer needs to remember, and that's what the people in this film shouldn't have forgotten.

Matrix's daughter is kidnapped, and the rest of the film follows his efforts to get her back. The kidnapper is the ex-dictator of Val Verde, who John Matrix practically single-handedly overthrew. This dictator, who calls himself "El Presidente", has hired one of Matrix's old Commando's, Bennett, and they've decided they're going to blackmail Matrix into assassinating the democratically elected president of Val Verde so that El Presidente can step in, and take control.

Sounds a simple plan to be executed by the kidnappers right?

WRONG!

Matrix is put onto a plane to Val Verde with a minder, but quickly slips away, dispatching his minder and following up the kill with a witty one liner. This death sets the tone for the rest of the film, with Matrix hunting one man down after another in his search for his daughter and her kidnappers.

It's apparent from the moment we see Matrix that he is superhuman, but just in case you're starting to forget the film hits you harder than a blow to the stomach with a large pipe with regular reminders. In this film Matrix can push a large truck single-handedly, he can snap large metals chains with ease, tear phone boxes out from walls, and flip cars easier than most can flip pancakes. He's a machine. A super strong, super pissed, super funny, MACHINE.

As the film progresses we can see its gearing up to a big finale, with Matrix meeting Bennett in a clash of Commando's. Matrix trained Bennett before kicking him out of his unit for being a psycho. Now Bennett wants to get him back. Bennett is the perfect villain in a perfect film. He's smart, sinister, and ruthless. He's also utterly insane, and consumed by his obsession for getting revenge on Matrix. The film keeps swapping to General Kirby, who keeps telling anyone who will listen just how good Matrix is, and just how many people could die if he gets pissed. Kirby likens pissing Matrix off to starting World War 3. He's right. Matrix is a one man army, and a good one at that. The Austrians knew what they were doing when they spawned Matrix.

Normally, I wouldn't comment on outfits worn in a film, but these are special circumstances. Bennett wears leather pants, a chain mail vest, and fingerless leather gloves. He's like Freddy Mercury on steroids. Now, I'm not going to comment on Bennett's sexual persuasion, but I will say he really wants to stick it into Matrix (his knife that is).

This movies music is perfect too. It's pure 80's. It's more 80's than any other 80's music. It eclipses Rocky music, and, dare I say it, overshadows John Carpenters work. It alone will put you on a fast course through puberty. Hell, I watched Commando when I was 7, and my voice deepened right there and then. I hear tell Barry Manilow counts Commando as his favourite film, so that ought to tell you something.

Trust me, this film is great, and is worthwhile adding to your DVD collection. No real man (or self respecting woman) would get caught not owning a copy.