Masters Of The Universe

Once in a while, you'll see a film that despite all the odds is pretty enjoyable, Masters of the Universe is one such film.

I'll give you some back-story. Mattel have a bunch of Conan action figures, but suddenly realised "Bollocks, Conan is an adult film, with rape, murder, and violence throughout - we can't sell a rapist murderer toy to kids!". I don't know how the board meeting went after that, but there was probably a lot of adult language before they decided they could sell a Conan toy, but what would be more profitable would be to change Conan's name to He-Man, change the toys hair colour from brown to blonde, and create some half assed story around him.

From this toy line, was spawned a comic series, and then some cartoons, and finally a feature film. Awesome eh?

So, we have a film written around an ex-Conan toy, renamed He-Man, and they casters are wondering what to do.. who could possibly fill the boots of He-Man and his alter ego Prince Adam? Well, the writers of the film helped them out, and totally ignored the fact that He-Man was Prince Adam. As luck would have it, if you can call it luck, they stumbled across Dolph Lundgren. He certainly looked the part of He-Man. I don't know much about Dolph Lundgren, but I would be surprised if he was truly fluent at English at this time, because his line delivery was wooden as hell, and his only acting credit was Ivan Drago in Rocky 4 and some bit part in a Bond film. So, we've got the 6' 5" Dolph Lundgren a rookie actor, playing the reduced role of He-Man (because apparently the toy turned comic turned cartoon storyline was too complicated) and he only just pulls it off. This film just looks worse and worse from the outset.

Typically, in an action film with an unknown star, they'll put in some veteran actor as his sidekick, just to keep him in line and help him out in the more difficult scenes. In this film, Dolph is backed up by Jon Cypher and Chelsea Field - yeah, I've got no idea who these guys are either. Hope is fading, and the film hasn't even started yet.

He-Man's adversary is played by an actor I do know... vaguely. But unfortunately in the film, they cover his face with a mask. Ah well.

Anyhow, enough about how the film looks from the outset, when we watch it now, it looks dated. OK, so I'm still piling on and haven't talked about the film..

This film, and a lot of films from the time have a quality which we just don't get with Hollywood crap today. It's called entertainment value. I'll be damned if I'm not entertained by this film. It's got bad actors, playing silly parts, wearing crappy outfits, on terrible scenery, but still, when I watch it I grin. The first redeeming thing about it, is the 80's factor. It knows it is cheesy, and revels in such status. It's got a young Courtney Cox, which allows for distraction as you consider how much thinner she's become due to what I can only suppose are Hollywood pressures.

Additionally, it has a lot of humour in it, both intentional and not. One intentional part is where Gwildor, the Halfling inventor (note - he is never called a Halfling) dresses up in Earth garb to fit in. I don't know where he found these clothes, but I'm glad I don't shop there.

There he is, perfectly inconspicuous now he's in the native clothes. Thing is, this picture reminded me of something else I've seen:

Another funny part is how contrived the scenes are where they insist on reminding us from He-Man and his buddies aren't from Earth. Like where they steal a bucket of ribs (god bless America, why don't we have rib buckets over here?), and they're all eating happily, until Man-at-Arms reveals they're eating rib bones, and not just food on 'white sticks'. I'm 99% sure this scene isn't intentionally funny, at least, not for the reason I'm laughing, so this is a good example:

I have yet to determine, and I don't think I ever will make up my mind as to whether this next humourous item is intentional or not, so I'll mention it. There's a cop in this film, and he really sounds and looks the part. He's the perfect actor for the job, except for the fact he's only just over 5 foot tall. Everyone towers over this seasoned cop, who, despite sounding looking the part, is just too damn short. I don't know. Maybe I've got a warped sense of humour.

The final scene I've got to mention about unintentional humour is the one where He-Man is being tortured. He's getting whipped to hell with a massive audience watching, and Skeletor is commanding it all from his throne, clearly revelling in the situation. But its like there is something more to it. A kind of perverse pleasure, could it be from seeing his enemy defeated finally? I'm going to suggest otherwise. Skeletor wraps himself around his staff, quivering as each crack of the whip further sears He-Man's skin. Skeletor strikes me from his reaction as some sort of S+M nut. The clothes should have given it away from the get go. He-Man's name and outfit also just serve to further Skeletor's taste for sadomasochism. Oh, and there's only one think more phallic than a staff, and that's nestled in He-Man's man pouch, I'm pretty sure I know which one Skeletor really wants to wrap himself around.

This film looks dated, which many would use as an argument against it. It probably look dated at the time they were making it. I get the distinct impression they were working on a tight budget. They certainly were working on a limited range of imagination, just look at Skeletor's henchmen:

Man, lizard, creature and beast. Couldn't they attach pincers or additional limbs to them? They're excessively humanoid. The other person Skeletor bosses around is Evil-Lyn. I get the impression she's supposed to be attractive, but Meg Foster just isn't doing it for me.

Anyhow, if you saw this film as a kid, chances are watching it again will be like a trip down memory lane. If you haven't, maybe you'll enjoy it's 80's charms, maybe you'll be amused by the unintentional hilarity.

Action film = 4/10. Slow fighting, Poor gunfights. It looks pretty bad too.

Comedy = 5/10. Gwildor's pimping scene and the short cop are good for a laugh, even if they shouldn't be.

80's film = 6/10. They don't make them like this anymore. Perhaps they never should have.

Bow down to the Bling King. Master of the universe, if only for 5 minutes of the film. More unintentional pimp-alikes. God I wish I was around for the 80's. I really do.