Pirates

Once in a while a film comes along that leaves everything else in it's genre behind. Commando for instance, leaves other action comedies in the dust. Pirates is an example of such a film.



Pirates is a porno with a difference. It has no filler actresses, they're all hot. HOT. HOT. The pictures say it all.

It has a storyline. In fact, it's got an adequate main story, supported by character backstories and a history for the world it is set in. It would probably have been pretty good without the porn element, but I'm glad they didn't leave it out

Most of the film looks really good. It had a huge budget for a porno, and it shows in the sets, the cgi and the costumes. And the girls. The girls are hot. I don't know if I've mentioned that.

No skeleton bones used as a dildo. Maybe in Pirates 2.

The only qualm I have with the film is the lighting. Most of the sex scenes are really badly lit, and I understand that it was done to keep the feel of the film, and I accept it, but it's just too dark. Just a lamp and the film would have been flawless.

The acting in this is outstanding for it's genre. I don't want to talk too long about an actor in a porno for fear of seeming gay, but Evan Stone seriously made the film. He has perfect comic timing, and the film feeds him with enough lines to really make it funny.

Here's just one example exchange-
Chick: I still think we should have brought more men.
Evan: What? More men? We don't need more men. My body is a battalion of destructio- what was that?
Chick: Relax I just stepped on a rock.

He also uses the insult 'ass pirates'!

All of the acting is good. Of course, the girls in the film only need to scream at the right time. And they manage it. Well done girls. Claps

Of course, porn with a story usually is pretty funny in it's contrivedness. This film is no exception. One chick was a virgin at the start of the film (the film starts on her wedding night), she has sex with her husband, then is kidnapped and forced to have sex with a stripper (although she's only forced for a couple of seconds before she's well into it) and then all of a sudden she is a seasoned bi-sexual who already knows she likes to talk dirty. I'm not complaining. It's all good fun.
Another funny contrivance is when the girls fight skeletons their boobs pop out. I appreciate it

Another exchange -
Evan Stone (Capt. Edward Reynolds): It's alright everyone, no need to worry, I'm unscathed, I got a little tangled up there so I couldn't free myself in time to help you vanquish your foes.
Chick: I think they're coming back, now's your chance Edward.
Evan Stone: Fuck that shit - RUN!

One more thing I'm gonna mention. The candles. This picture should say more than I ever could:

So...
Presentation - 9/10. Would be 10 but for the bad lighting.
Humour - 10/10. Glad someone used the line ass pirate too
Action (as in.. you know what I mean) 10/10. You're not waiting long between each scene and they're plenty long too.

The rudder's been damaged!

I just cleaned the bloody rudder!

It's a really enjoyable film. Porno or otherwise. Just take it easy when you're watching it people. Don't hurt yourselves.